Designing Web Success

This week I celebrate another birthday, which brings me to that auspicious milestone where I am right between 52 and 54. A person only comes to this stage of life once, so I am going to make the most of it.

This year I plan celebrating my 29th birthday. I figure it’s my birthday, so I should be able to celebrate whichever one I please. Twenty-nine is the perfect age; this is the third time for me to celebrate it and it probably will not be the last.

At 29, you are not over the hill and yet you are far enough from those turbulent teenage years not to be mistaken by anyone for a teenager. Everybody knows that 30 is over the hill and it is all down hill from there. However, it can be a pleasant slide into those golden years, so they tell me.

I have come to this conclusion. When a person reaches 30, they should celebrate their birthday every other year, then, after 50 only celebrate their birthday whenever they remember it. It will cut down on the fire hazard some birthday cakes pose. A person should only be as old as the birthdays they can remember.

Lying about one’s age has become an acceptable practice for many. Women, in particular, have mastered the finesse in this area. After all, what man in his right mind (if you can find one in his right mind) would ever accuse a woman, especially his wife, of fibbing here?

As long as there are stretch marks, people will stretch the truth about their nativity. Beware of the person who does not lie about their age. They are trying to throw you off guard for something.

Men can lie about their golf game, or how big the fish that got away was but when it comes to their age, women have them beat, hands down. Men have never mastered the technique crucial to lying about how many candles should go on that annual cake.

Men have a ridiculous notion that getting older is good. “I’m 65 and still can do the work of any 25-year-old,” is the boast you often hear from the male populous. Most women will never admit to being 65, let alone comparing themselves to some 25-year-old.

This brings me to a very important inquiry: How to tell you’re getting old. After all, old is relative - only your relatives are getting old.

The first telltale sign of getting older is that you begin to notice certain changes around you. For example, when I first began reading this newspaper they printed it in nice bold type. Now they are using much smaller print.

I think the change relates to some economical concern the publisher has. After all, smaller type means they can print more words per page. If the trend continues, they will be able to print the entire newspaper on one page.

Another sign I have recently noticed is that stairs have become steeper. A couple of years ago I barely noticed them. However, a conspiracy is in the wind. Not only are they steeper but some unscrupulous person has added steps to all the stairs in my vicinity.

We must put together a special task force immediately before any more steps are added. A danger here, and I don’t want to be an alarmist, is that eventually staircases will never end and they will go absolutely nowhere.

Is it me or are people playing music much louder than they used to? I’m not sure of the reason for this annoying change, but I believe someone has been slowly increasing the volume, thinking nobody will notice. But I have noticed, so please stop it, whoever you are.

To compound this problem many people are talking much faster then they used to, especially the under 20 group. That may explain why I never get what I order at a drive-thru restaurant.

Then, the week seems to go by so much faster. I can remember when I was in school the week just dragged on and on. I thought it would never end.

Now, I no sooner get adjusted to Monday and its Friday already. Whatever happens to Tuesday through Thursday? Where do those days go?

I almost forgot (my memory is not what it used to be), I would like to say something nice about losing your memory. My grandmother always said that if you could not say something nice about someone you should not say anything at all.

So, let me say something nice about the marvelous phenomena of forgetfulness. Ah … I’m sorry. I forgot what I was going to say.

Age does have its advantages: free checking, 10 percent off at most restaurants, and not remembering what you had for dinner last night which enables you to have desert two days in a row without feeling guilty.

Everybody grows old but not many people grow up. This is a major problem not only in general but also in the church. Some Christians are not growing up.

The Apostle Peter was concerned about this. He writes, “But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen.” (2 Peter 3:5 KJV.)

Each day brings with it opportunities to grow. Take advantage of it today and enjoy getting older.

About the Author

Award winning author and popular columnist living in Ocala, FL

Join the action as 8 of today’s hottest MILFs compete for the National MILF Championship. The Winner is determined by a secret statistical formula you would not understand. Because it involves fractions.

The Basics of the Formula include:

- A Panel of Judges consisting of heterosexual men
- Asking 1000 people on the streets of New York City
- My personal vote
- Internet Buzz Statistics
- In the case of a tie, there is a high-stakes rock-paper-scissors tournament

March MILF Madness Game 1

Jennie Garth
Vs.
Pamela Anderson

A complete blow-out!

Pamela Anderson wins although she’s had more work than the Help Wanted ads.

Pamela destroyed 90210-oh-oh so hot Jennie Garth.

One judge comments: “Jennie is a normal hot babe up against a super hot buxom babe. Even though Pam is a quarter plastic, she’s still slammin’.”

Then I dismissed him from being a judge for still using the phrase “slammin’.

WTF? Who says Slammin’ anymore? “Yo, Jennie is Fresh, but Pamela is da bomb, bro!”

My feeling is guys gave Pam too much credit for her past hotness and are overlooking her now-scary face and ugly implants.

My vote went to Jennie Garth because she has 2 kids and is expecting a 3rd but she still looks natural. And more like a human being. Personally, I think the human-look is hot.

But Pamela Anderson has been one of the most downloaded women on the Internet for 10 years! That’s amazing.

But how many guys have downloaded hepatitis C from her vagina? Not hot.

One judge explained, “I vote for Pamela Anderson because of her t!ts. You can bag the face.”

Yeah, in March MILF Madness, there is a lot to be said for over-inflated basketballs.

Me? I love snuggle-bubbles, too. But if her face isn’t pretty, I don’t care about the t!tty!

My vote wasn’t so much for Jennie Garth, but against Pamela Anderson. I think it’s time they sent her and her awful implants to the glue factory. In basketball terms, for Pam, it’s way past overtime.

Part of a woman’s hotness is her perceived sluttiness level, too. Keeping with the basketball theme of the event, we need to ask, “How many guys have dribbled on Pam Anderson’s court?”

March MILF Madness Game 2

Melania Trump
Vs.
Jennifer Garner

What an exciting finish! It was neck and neck! And cleavage and cleavage! Incredible!

Jennifer Garner is super hot. Super pretty face. And a killer body.

Melania Trump is a lot less famous BUT her body is reeeeee-dick-alus!

Melania was helped by her Trump name. People seemed to trust The Donald’s judgment with the bims. As one judge remarked:

“She’s banging Trump and Trump has banged a lot of hot chicks. Trump gives her the extra oomph. (Wouldn’t we ALL like to give her the extra oomph!) Trump’s owned the Miss Universe Contest and Miss America Pageant. He has competitions for hotness. He knows what he’s doing. He’s gotta have some expertise.”

That’s a damn good point.

While Melania was helped by her husband, Jennifer may have been hurt by the backlash against Ben “Dover” Affleck.

Guys had a lot of great things to say about Jennifer Garner. They love her dimples, her body, her eyes, her perky nipples.

Plus Melania’s basketballs are most likely synthetic while Jennifer’s are authentic.

But… Melania squeaks out a win in an upset!!

MARCH MILF MADNESS GAME 3

Denise Richards
Vs.
Heidi Klum

Another tight battle of the MILFs! Many felt Denise Richards’ time has passed.

Though one judge vehemently dissented stating his desire to “get into the paint” with Denise:
“I would kill someone to have Denise Richards.”

But another judge wanted to pick and roll Heidi into bed.

He admits, ” With Heidi, sometimes I find that I’m accidentally humping my couch cushions while watching her on TV.”

What’s even grosser is that that judge still lives with his parents.

Heidi Klum still has that incredibly pretty face. And I think the images of her (fair or not) posing in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition will forever give her higher scores than she would otherwise earn today.

Hedi edges Denise!

MARCH MILF MADNESS Game 4

Christine Taylor (Ben Stiller’s wife)
Vs.
Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain bim)

Another close one!

Michelle Williams was hurt by guys who think chicks who have babies with guys who kiss guys in the movies are not as hot as chicks who have babies with guys who destroy weddings at the movies.

Major bonus points were given to Christine Taylor by Jewish voters. Because Christine is married to Jewish funnyman Ben Stiller. And every Jewish guy knows it’s a Jewish guy’s dream to get with a hot shiksa (non-Jewish girl).

To me, they are both hot shiksas. I voted for Michelle Williams (probably because I didn’t see Brokeback Mountain.)

And the winning MILF is…. Christine Taylor!

Stay tuned for more March MILF Madness! We’re down to the The Final 4play!

Pamela Anderson vs. Melania Trump
and
Christine Taylor vs. Heidi Klum.

Cast your votes for the Top Seed (or on which Top you’d shoot your Seed.)

Discover more Twisted Humor

==>http://www.hogwild.net

My wife and I are only about six weeks into this pregnancy thing and we’re still trying to wrap our heads around this whole idea of having a baby, though we have wildly different thoughts on the subject. I’m worried about whether or not we’ll be able to handle the financial and moral responsibilities of bringing a child into the world. My wife is mostly worried about passing something the size of a watermelon through her hoo-ha.

And so far the worry has been all our own. We haven’t told anyone else about our impending baby because, quite frankly, I don’t think either of us fully believes that my wife is actually pregnant.

Sure, she’s moody all the time and has had an inexplicable food cravings and she’s taken to complaining about how bloated and fat she feels, but really, that’s no different than how she’s acted for the for the five years that I’ve known her. And I still married her.

Right now our baby is not really a “he” or a “she” as much as an “it” in our minds. We’ve been reading a lot of these baby websites and a lot of these sites compare our baby’s current size to various pieces of fruit. The message eventually changes as the pregnancy moves forward, so one week the baby site will proclaim “Your baby is now the size of a sesame seed!” and a week or two later we’ll read “Your baby is now the size of a raisin!”

If these baby sites had their way we’d all measure our own size compared to various items from the produce aisle. I’d stand 8.4 carrots tall and when I stepped on the scale it would read like a slot machine and report my weight as in at 250 pumpkins, two oranges and three cherries.

So every day I check these sites and every day I’m reminded that our baby is only the size of a grape. I don’t mind telling you that it’s hard to feel very attached to a grape…and it isn’t even a fully developed grape. It’s not like my wife has a little grape-sized person in her. No, right now she has a little pink squishy thing that, really, looks kinda like a…well….a squished grape.

Our baby is only beginning to grow organs, so it’s not like we have a whole lot in common with our very, very, very little offspring. I mean, I’m a not a very complex guy but I still like to relax with a TV remote in one hand and a beer in the other. Right now our baby doesn’t have hands to hold the remote or even a liver to process the beer.

This is all still so unreal to us that my wife and I are also still trying to find the best way to even talk about the whole idea of being pregnant. The phrase “we’re pregnant” makes it sound as though we’re some sort of bisexual Siamese twin sharing one body and committing unspeakable acts of fornication on ourselves. She’s the one who’s pregnant and I’m the guy who did it (or so she claims).

We’ve struggled with ways of referring to the pregnancy situation and so far we’ve used phrases like “knocked up,” “expecting,” “got a bun in the oven,” “infiltrated,” “violated,” and even “been slimed.” I think we’ll have to filter out a few of those when it finally comes time to announce the news to our families.

So that’s where we are in this whole baby-making process. The baby has been made, but it’s still a pretty gooey, tiny thing that doesn’t really have much personality and even less mass. I’m sure this whole fatherhood thing is going to change my life, but right now I’m just not feeling it.

I have, however, sworn off eating grapes. At least until our baby grows up… to be the size of a lime.

Humorist Tom Coffee’s website www.SpillingCoffee.com chronicles Tom’s adventures as he struggles to escape his office job, commit random acts of home improvement, cope with becoming a father for the first time and quench his never-ending thirst for a great cup of joe. Life is funny. Have some Coffee…

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005

OH OH - IT’S OCTOBER

Or, it’s Merry Monster-Mashing Month of course!

This is the 10th month of the year, which should mean a measure
of good luck …that is if you like things beginning with one
and ending with infinity!

There are however more than a few munchkins out there who are
not at all happy with the month of October. This 31-day period
of perturbations probably has a great deal more to do with
things that go bump in the night than many care to admit in
front of their friends and family.

So if you’re really into positive stuff like a belief in the
Great Pumpkin, Casper the Friendly Ghost, or the Jolly Green
Giant…life should be hunky dory for you this month. But, if
you’ve had your fill of Wailing Werewolves, Monster Mashers, and
Testy Trolls…then you probably could do with a few feisty
things to do to keep your mind off the origins of a
blood-curdling scream in the night, not to mention oodles of
thumping, whacking and whomping to give you Goosebumps.

So, without further adieu…here are a few things to celebrate
this month:

October 1: Ask Someone Who Cares Day! (The trick here is
to come up with an easy answer for a question you never asked
from a person who’s not on your radar screen!)

October 2: Paper Airplane Tournament Day! (For talented
armchair pilots with a penchant for paper, a strong sense of
competition, and lots of time on their hands!)

October 3: White Elephant Appreciation Day! (Time to name
your favorite government boondoggle, the biggest waste of time
and money, which gets your goat!)

October 4: Chia-Pet Remembrance Day! (In honor of all
imported plants in clay pots that sprout weird hairdos overnight
and scare the living daylights out of you!)

October 4: Save the Shush Day! (Actually the “Shush”
sound is the international symbol for keep your mouth shut in
the library, in school, and in the workplace so people can hear
themselves think or at least look very busy so no one will bug
them!)

October 5: International Pssst! Day (This positive action
day to celebrate the wonderful world of juicy gossip not to
mention the goodness gracious grapevine.)

October 6: Toothless Appreciation Day (Discover the joy
of verbal communication with a dental dam or better yet…
without a terrific set of tantalizing teeth or dazzling
dentures).

October 7: One-Horse Recognition Day (This is a day to
celebrate everything small, limited, little, or single floating
about in the universe looking for a place to fit in).

October 8: Casper the Friendly Ghost Day (Time to
reminisce about out the old Saturday morning cartoons about a
smiley-faced vapor state who adores people…not like your
average scary ghost that frequent places you wouldn’t be caught
dead in naturally!)

October 9: Pumpkin Patch Appreciation Day (A great day
for visiting a nearby farm to spot “The Great Pumpkin” to keep
the witches & weirdoes happy on Halloween!)

October 10: Turkey Recognition Day (They say there’s a
turkey in every crowd …so who would you like to baste or roast
tonight…just for fun of course!)

October 11: Grimm’s Fairytale Appreciation Day (Turn off
the TV and get out all those scary, gory tales about kings,
magic and talking animals…no not your fiendish relatives!)

October 12: Bedroom Slipper Recognition Day (Finally you
can don your slippers and wear them to school, to work, or to a
posh party tonight …are you happy yet?)

October 13: Kissing-Cousin Appreciation Day (This is a
day when you get to send a greeting to some long-lost relative
or a friend you’ve overlooked, just to let them know you haven’t
forgotten their whereabouts, or why you’re not on the same
wavelength).

October 14: Libra Appreciation Day (Keep your eyes peeled
for indecisive, irritable, overbearing sulky folks who hate loud
arguments, confused situations, ugly places, and sloppiness but
adore green, purple and pink not to mention emeralds and
elephants).

October 15: Slipslops Awareness Day (Oh what ho, time to
recall all those tasteless, watery foods that you’d just as soon
not see on a menu or your plate anytime soon!)

October 16: Nixing & Hexing Awareness Day (Now you can
practice your hocus-pocus mind-control techniques to see if you
can put your pesky plants or pets in their place.)

October 17: Snool Recognition Day (Time to pay homage to
“funny” fools…those who flaunt their foolishness or flatulence
before the public in all manner of outrageous ways).

October 18: Giggleotamus Awareness Day (Celebrate those
in your life who giggle when young, snort when old, joyfully
reject questions, and laugh at topics like: “The Bicycle as a
Factor in Genito-Urinary Diseases, Prostatitis, Prostatorrhea or
Prostatic Catarrh” or “Voyage Up the Amazon and the Lion
Smacked His Head Off”.)

October 19: Ode to Purple Day (If you’ve always avoided
the color purple, you might want to use today to ponder the
question why, or if you love it…why on earth would you pick
it?)

October 20: Stopwatch Appreciation Day (This is a fine
day to put “clockocrats” to shame by proclaiming a time-out to
appreciate what happens when all the clocks stop ticking).

October 21: Barriers Built By Bores Day (A day to
recognize all the barriers built by bores, clones or drones who
wish to keep the status quo firmly in place at all costs).

October 22: Vampire & Werewolf Recognition Day (A day of
celebration for monster-mashers who need these naughty nemeses
to justify their merry-making existence!)

October 23: Snooker Awareness Day (Forget about those
blessed balls and pockets …and recall the times you’ve used
your sniffing and smelling abilities to ferret out important
information).

October 24: Plastic or Elastic Virtue Appreciation Day
(Time to honor those thinly disguised compliments or magnificent
mission statements that amount to diddly squat!)

October 25: A-Musement Park Day (Imagine what it might be
like to be locked up for life in a cage with the Jolly Green
Giant, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Pied Piper, the
Abominable Snowman, or the One-Eyed-One-Horned Flying
Purple People Eater!)

October 26: Maze & Labyrinth Awareness Day (Time to
identify the most confusing, convoluted, or quaint public
service devised to help people if they only knew which door to
enter first, where to go and who to speak to who knows what’s
really going on.)

October 27: Man-Made Toxic-Waste Awareness Day (What
wasteful things do you think you can live without? Junk food,
junk mail, junk products, junk entertainment etc.)

October 28: Dry As Dust Day (A timely day to recall all
the subjects of conversation that you find dull as dishwater,
stale as burnt toast, or simply dry as dust for Pete’s sake!)

October 29: DELIGHT Day At Last! (A celebration of
everything in your life that simply delights you, inspires you,
and makes your brief stay on planet earth very worthwhile)!

October 30: Wild Goose Chase Day (A fun-filled day when
you get to plan and implement your very own “Wild Goose Chase”
on some unsuspecting soul of course).

October 31: Halloween of Course! (A day when all the
Great Hags, Harpies, and Heathens dress up in colorful crony
costumes to woo witches, curse cockamamies, or bob for apples!)

When I was a fart, thongs were somewhat different to what they are now.

As I understood it, thongs were made of steel, cast iron and brass.
I remember using my neighbours thongs on a regular basis, to put coal into the fire. I also remember using the very same thongs to put ice into vodkas and other beverages, excluding hot whiskeys.

Now if I’m to believe the younger generations, then thongs are now used to re-arrange the genitals within various garments.
I don’t know what they are made from but would suspect that cast iron would harldy be comfortable, whatever about suitable.
Brass thongs would be a bit on the cold side, I’d say. (I had a scratching experience once, but will live with the itch from then, on). I don’t even know why genital arrangement is so important.
And I can’t even understand why thongs have become such a fashion statement, whatever that is.

I even have some concerns about certain re-arrangements of one’s bits and pieces, and then dispatching ice with the very same apparatus. Surely it must be unhygenic whatever that is as well.

It gets worse when you hear stories of edible thongs and while I’ve probably ate worse, my teeth would no longer be able for the hard and soft mixtures of brass and lice.

But that’s just me and my history of assorted diets.

Other generations can arrange what they want, eat all associated tooling, and advertize the fact even.

Thick Mick.
ticklingtrials@thetrivialtimes.com

About the Author

Thick Mick is an “expert” columnist on historical matters or Back Passage material, with www.TheTrivialTimes.com.
You must forgive him his many memory inconsistencies.

If you’ve every tried to get service on your computer, you will
appreciate this website. It’s filled with tech support horror
stories that would make the most stalwart consumer cringe.

This website is dedicated to providing some comic relief to
those working in the tech support field, as well as providing a
forum for the weary tech guy to vent frustrations from possibly
one of the most aggravating jobs in the industy. It is not
geared toward the consumer, although reading it will give you a
real look into what the tech guys are going through on the other
end of the telephone.

It features stories, jokes and venting about what’s happening on
the other end of the support line like the examples provided
below:

Dumpster Diving SF calls saying that her printer has a “No Print
Head Installed” warning on her LCD screen. Did a little
investigating (okay, I’m lying) and *surprise*, the print head
wasn’t installed. I asked SF if there were any extra parts in
the box her printer came in (I expected her to say yes, because
this is a pretty common call, apparently, the black box that
comes with the printer is automatically assumed to be “extra
ink”). She said she didn’t know.

Well, where is the box, I asked. I threw it away already. Well,
you’re screwed, I thought to myself (the print head piece costs
more than the printer). I explained this to her, she looks out
her window at the dumpster she threw the box in. I think I can
still see the box, she tells me. She then, takes the cordless
phone, goes down the stairs, up the street and brings me with
her as she dumpster dives for TWENTY minutes.

I put my phone on mute and switched it to speaker, my whole row
almost died of laughter and although it’s cliche (this really
happened) we even heard a cat screech in the background after
she (I’m guessing) threw garbage on it. SF locates the print
head and we get her printer working . This is the best call I’ve
ever had.

Reboot Madness “It’s not friggin’ rocket science” said by me
(muted) to the last idiot who needed to have me go over the
reboot process (power cycle modem and router, restart computer)
5 (that’s FIVE) times after she called in to have a new router
mac added to her internet modem account. Sorry, I’ve had a
string of stupid calls today.

They have a number of neat products if you work in the technical
support arena. It’s advertised like this: The Tech Support
Comedy Store “contains products that are of particular interest
to people that wok in the area of technical support.” What does
this mean?

More strangeness than I’d like to consider including things like
a link to the Red Swingline Stapler site. They also have some
really great T-shirts with witty phrases like, “I worked in tech
support and all I got was this stupid t-shirt,” on the front,
and “…and your credit card number” on the back. In these
times, that is funny and vaguely disturbing. Who knew that tech
support folk’s sideline business is scam theiving scumbags –
well the acronym is the same.

Another t-shirt that’s guaranteed to leave you warm and fuzzy
reads “I get paid for tech support…” on the front, “…I don’t
get paid to care” on the back.

Tech-Support-Comedy is just plain funny, and whether you’re an
IT person, a corporate executive with a frustrated tech guy on
staff fixing your computer and mumbling under his/her breath
about how stupid you are, or just a janitor who bought a $299
after mail-in rebate Dell vanilla computer, you’ll find many
humor and chuckles.

Each year, at the very beginning of the first term, when I gave back the first essay, there was a pupil (at least one, often several) who asked me: “Madame, where is mine?” and promised: “Yes Madame, I let it on your desk last week.” Some were more cautious and prefered to explain: “I had forgotten it so I put it in your mail box in the teachers’ room, later”.

The first time it happened, once back at home, I turned our whole flat upside down to find the lacking sheet of paper, blaming Pierre for having rummaged about in my drawers (I was sure I had not lost this heck of an essay). Of course, I never found it, but I became a less gullible teacher.

The second time lazy pupils tried this kind of cheating, I replied that I was terribly sorry, wore my kindest smile and invited the victims of my absent-mindedness to come to the blackboard to present their work on the fly. There were a lot of: “I did not learn it by heart” and of: “But I had made some schemata”. Though I would have been happy to see which schema could correct a dictation, I kept my sorry-smiling face.
“Oh really? That is even better! You are sure to remember the whole thing very easily”, I said.

The pupils who had done their homework had already received the corrections. They tried to help their classmates and whispered the answers in my back. Let’s say: they thought they whispered and, anyway, teachers know when to be deaf. So, they revised the lesson voluntarily, what you cannot obtain when you ask for.
Sometimes, a pupil happened to earn better marks than those he could have got with an essay or any other written job.

Within the first month, the number of essays I was supposed to have lost decreased magically. Most times there remained enough for me to send a pupil to the blackboard to handle the revisions of some tricky issues.

Gabrielle Guichard
is a French teacher who can be listened to on FrenchPodcasting.com.

The Laughing Buddha, legends say,
Was born in China, on an ancient day.
His heart was big and his belly GRAND!
He carried a bowl and a sack close to hand.

Like a Zen Santa, I’d say he was,
Except he was bald as a peach, with FUZZ.
He’d look at each child with a magical twinkle,
And pull from that sack, in the corner, by a wrinkle …

… JUST the right gift at JUST the right time,
He’d do it without effort or reason or rhyme.
“Oh, thank you Santa,” each child would say,
Except in Chinese, in their inscrutable way.

I, a young monk, asked the great man,
As we walked on the path, bowl and sack in hand,
“How do you guess? How do you know?
What gift to offer? What seed to sow?”

The Laughing Buddha gave a great chuckle.
He laughed so hard I thought his knees might buckle.
“It’s easy, when you know where to begin:
Picture their face and look within.

“The greatest gift doesn’t come in a box,
It’s rarely a doll and it’s never more socks.
The greatest gift comes from the heart.
That’s the very best place to start.”

The Buddha winked once, patted his belly twice,
Then disappeared in a shower of rice.
He left me the bag to hand out more stuff.
Why, there’s something for YOU, right under this fluff!

About the Author
Rodney Robbins is a quirky author and cartoonist who enjoys life’s paradoxes. Rodney has a rare muscle disease, but has competed in powerlifting; he attended a wonderful Lutheran College, but believes God speaks many languages. Visit Rodney’s store at http://www.lulu.com/rodneyrobbins to see his cartoon prints, his warm hearted, young adult novel and more.

The Federal Reserve took the unusually considerate step of raising the interest rate again while providing that banks could not raise the mortgage rates on people who already have mortgages with them.

While the banks called foul, the new head of the Fed commented, “I think it’s time to be forthright about how the Fed manages the economy and the consequences of it. As you know, when the economy slows down, we lower the rate to stimulate it, which inevitably results in people going out and buying homes for the simple reason that they can now afford them. Then when the economy picks up, we raise the rates, which has always meant the mortgage rates go right up with it. So a lot of these people can no longer afford their homes. Well, it’s time to end the carnage and come to the rescue of these poor suckers. Banks can raise the rates accordingly but only on new mortgages.”

“Ruined, ruined – we’ll be ruined!” a spokesman for Citibank wailed, as it declared record profits.

“This will break us,” a spokeswoman for Bank of America bemoaned.

Their comments soundly reminiscent of the cries that have until now echoed through the hallways of homes that would otherwise, in the wake of rising rates, be foredoomed to foreclosure.

Tom Attea, creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

According to a study conducted by the American Heart
Association, the ability to laugh is a good indicator of heart
health. Their study of 150 patients support the fact that
laughter has the potential to improve heart health by as much as
forty percent.

There are so many funny things in the world, it’s amazing we
ever frown. I made an effort yesterday to catalog all of the
hilarious moments throughout my day. I gave up after an hour,
there were just too many. I laugh easily, but it takes a lot to
get a true belly laugh out of me.

You know the kind. It starts with a chuckle, a deep noise in the
back of my throat. Then it grows into bursts of sound from the
mouth, punctuated by an occasional gasp for air. Finally, the
entire body is shaking, yet all noise has ceased. Typically,
when I reach this point, I have tears rolling down my face, I
can barely breathe, and there’s no way I could speak if I tried.

Yesterday I had one of those moments. A totally out of control
laughing experience. As usual, it was a result of my own
behavior. I was in my martial arts class, learning a new
sparring combination. I’ve attended classes for the past year,
so I’m no longer completely inept, but I still have my moments.
This happened to be one of them.

Picture a woman of small stature stepping up to a man who is at
least a full foot taller. She takes a defensive stance, her feet
solidly planted, fists raised in front of her head for
protection. He gives the signal for her to start, she steps
back, cocks her fist and fires off a roundhouse punch at his
head. He moves to block, unnecessarily as it turns out. Her hand
continues it’s forward trajectory, coming around as roundhouse
punches are apt to do, until it connects with her jaw.

Stunned, she rubs her face. That was not the intended target!
She looks at her clenched fist for a moment in confusion, then
looks up to see her partner shaking with laughter. Unable to
resist, she joins him. It seems funnier by the moment and soon
the laughter grows to a point of no return. Five minutes later,
I had to excuse myself from the training hall to use the
restroom and make some attempt to regain my dignity.

Physical comedy has always brought me to tears. I love reading a
passage in a novel, or a scene in a short story, depicting some
action with unintended consequences. I fully enjoy laughing at
these comedic scenes, largely because I can picture myself
easily doing the same! Falling, tumbling, tripping, you name it,
I’ve done it. If I could do it on cue, I would be famous.

Laughter is a great stress reliever. After a good laughing
session, muscles are relaxed and your mind is clear. Most of us
spend a great amount of time being serious so we need the comic
relief laughter provides. Life is full of funny, you don’t have
to look hard to find it so open your eyes and laugh that stress
away! Your heart will thank you for it.